Join Danny, Valentina and their guest Julia Moore explore self-healing by hitting the road for a nomadic, solo poly adventure.
In this episode, we talk about personal growth through radical honesty and coming face to face with the not-so-pretty parts of ourselves. Taking baby steps with ourselves and each other. Practicing being honest with our partners sooner and addressing issues while they are still small. Solo poly, a nomadic lifestyle, and the balance between radical self-reliance and the need for community. Julia also shares a little about the book she’s writing about consent.
Our special guest, Julia Moore, has been poly for 3 years. She is a relationship anarchist who is currently practicing solo poly because it fits her nomadic lifestyle for now. She is a mental health and sex therapist in Las Vegas who also does therapy online. She’s currently practicing hula-hoop and writing a book about consent in her free time.
Her site: www.moorevulnerabilitycounseling.com
Show Notes:
Valentina’s blog, The Relationship Rebel: http://www.relationship-rebel.com/
Danny’s Book, “Is now a good time to talk? How to ask for what you want and get it”: https://amzn.to/3GNWgwM
YOUtopia, San Diego’s regional Burning Man event: https://sdyoutopia.com/
Love Burn, South Florida’s regional Burning Man event: https://theloveburn.com/
SN-RG, Southern Nevada Regional Gathering (pronounced “Synergy”), near Las Vegas: https://sn-rg.com/
Element 11, Utah’s Regional Burning Man event: https://www.element11.org/
The most complicated Non-Monogamy Venn Diagram: https://polyadvisor.com/the-venn-diagram-of-polyamory/
Book: The Ethical Slut : https://amzn.to/3wr8wBk
Book: More Than Two : https://amzn.to/4dtDY2G
Great Quotes & Moments from Episode 07 of Poly Café :
“I lost my virginity to a non-consent –to rape, essentially, which is a really ugly word but I’m just going to use it because I think it’s something that needs to be talked about.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 3m00s)
“That trauma, [rape,] it’s never really in your rearview mirror. It’s always riding passenger with you.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 3m14s)
“One of the things I really love about poly is the personal grown; and not just personal but inter-relational growth as well. I’ve learned to be a better partner.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 4m57s)
“At any given time, we all have wounds and we’re all in the process of healing them.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 5m27s)
“Part of what I’ve learned being poly too is, how to balance the radical self-reliance with our need for community and people.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 7m03s)
“I like relationship anarchy because it’s a little bit of an anti-label label.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 8m23s)
“You know when we value something because, ‘oh, it might not be here very long,’ I think it tends to be better and more intense and we appreciate it more.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 9m57s)
“It’s like, ‘I see you every day,’ but it’s not intentional time every day.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 10m39s)
“I think with every relationship I’ve had since I’ve been polyamorous, I’ve really had to kind of come face to face with who I am as a person and maybe the not-so-pretty parts.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 11m07s)
“I think one of the foundational cornerstones of polyamory that I really love is that it’s based on radical honesty. Things that we don’t normally say, maybe in a monogamous relationship, we can say them openly in polyamory.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 11m18s)
“I’ve found that the things that go unaddressed are often the things that fester and grow and it’s better to be proactive about addressing those instead letting them just blowup way later on.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 12m56s)
“If you tackle it while it’s small, it’s a small issue.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 13m07s)
“One of the poly influencers that I follow, that’s one of their mottos is, ‘practice being honest sooner,’ and there’s so much truth to it that it hurts.” ~Valentina Hartman (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 13m25s)
“It’s said that voyeurism is participation, […] but how far does that participation go before it becomes a consent issue?” ~Valentina Hartman (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 17m11s)
“I realize that because I was coming from this repressed culture where I wasn’t having sex freely, I couldn’t really express my true ‘yes.’ It was like, ‘yes, but I’m supposed to say no.’ ” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 20m42s)
“As a human, I feel like our mind doesn’t always get to the next thought until we get the first thought out and I either say it or write it and it helps me get there.” ~Danny Burbol (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 23m16s)
“Something I learned was, you have to go at the pace of the slowest person in the polycule.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 24m01s)
“Just saying, ‘you know, I’m here for more than the sex. I’m here for these three people that I’m engaging with. I’m here to build a family.’ ” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 24m45s)
“The highest form of love is consideration.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 25m18s)
“Trust is a two-way street.” ~Valentina Hartman (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 26m43s)
“Learning to give defined timeframes has been a very valuable tool.” ~Valentina Hartman (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 27m56s)
“Everybody is responsible for doing their own emotional work.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 28m44s)
“I think that’s one of the most loving things we can do is ‘do the work.’ ” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 28m57s)
“Our triggers are self-fulfilling prophecies that we perpetuate over and over again.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 30m18s)
“I think we forget to give ourselves permission that we don’t know, but not knowing isn’t an excuse to not find out.” ~Valentina Hartman (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 33m45s)
“Baby steps are valid. I’m not asking you to solve your trigger in two weeks. I’m just saying, give me a baby step, whatever that is.” ~Danny Burbol (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 33m53s)
“I felt super awkward but embracing it felt healthy in the way that eating vegetables does.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 35m28s)
“I’ve learned that it’s really important to be happy single first.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 36m20s)
“Solo Poly, to me means that your main focus is on yourself and figuring out what brings you joy and satisfaction. That way, you’re so fulfilled from your alone-time that the people that you want to spend time with, they have to out compete your alone time. Being with them has to be more awesome than spending time by yourself.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 39m32s)
“Curing codependency, […] simply put, it’s never allowing anyone to love you less than you love yourself.” ~Julia Moore (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep07 – 40m52s)
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