Join Danny, Valentina and their special guest, Jorge, as they explore what intimacy means to different people, overcoming communication pitfalls, and how to be a safe space for others.
In this episode, we talk about how it’s more important to understand than it is to be understood, especially in a disagreement. How intimacy is so much more than sex. How life changing it is to learn how to be a safe space for others and to be able to take comfort knowing you have a safe space with the right friendships and relationship. Danny and Jorge share some insight on how part of becoming a safe space involved learning to recognize and overcome their avoidant attachment style.
Our special guest, Jorge, had no preference on how you pronounce his name. He has been polyamorous for 3 years and takes a lot of pride in how much he’s grown in that time. He’s also a talented craftsman and leatherworker who makes BDSM/Kink toys such as breath-taking floggers. (links in Show Notes below).
Show Notes:
Valentina’s blog, The Relationship Rebel: http://www.relationship-rebel.com/
Danny’s Book, “Is now a good time to talk? How to ask for what you want and get it”: https://amzn.to/3GNWgwM
You can find Jorge’s work on FB and Instagram as TribelessLoser. Here are his links: FB: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61558009155928 Insta: https://www.instagram.com/tribelessloser/
Great Quotes & Moments from Episode 08 of Poly Café :
“There are a lot of different types of ‘intimacy’ that I didn’t even realize. In monogamy, for some crazy reason, I thought ‘intimacy’ meant ‘sex’, and that is so not true.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 5m26s)
“We interpret the word ‘intimacy’ so radically different.” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 7m42s)
“Here I am talking about my traumas and everything and this person thinks, ‘we’re really connecting, and in my head I’m thinking, ‘no. This should be normal conversation. We should all be comfortable talking about these things.’ ” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 7m45s)
“What does your romantic landscape look like?” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 11m41s)
“How can I make sure to interact with this person in a way that I don’t feel I’m compromising me?” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 13m02s)
“When someone is triggered at an event, that’s the worst time to talk about it.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 13m20s)
“Hypothetical isn’t the same as practice.” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 13m37s)
“ ‘Oh, that didn’t go at all like I thought it would,’ –okay cool. How do we shift?” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 13m53s)
“The more you practice these things. […] This routine will solidify that, ‘hey, I have a safe space in this person when I’m triggered,’ ” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 14m59s)
“The idea of men being a safe space shouldn’t be so foreign. It should be normalized but I definitely feel like, in our society, men are not raised to be safe spaces for women or other men.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 19m16s)
“It is so refreshing to find the poly community and to see men acting in non-toxic ways.” ~Danny “–Men acting like they’re humans.” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 19m41s)
“I don’t think men understand how healing it is to be a genuine safe friend. And it’s sad that we have to say that.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08- 20m25s)
“Don’t be too quick to say ‘yes’ to everyone, everything, and every idea. Remember that you have to make space and time to say ‘yes’ for yourself.” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 20m57s)
“That’s actually a huge, huge tip that I wish I had known growing up. Hard conversations and interactions where you are trying to resolve something with someone because you care about them are exhausting, and they’re borderline debilitating, when you have an avoidant [attachment] style.” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 23m46s)
“Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to tone police yourself for everybody. It is a little bit of a dance of you can’t control how people are going to perceive you. Be mindful of your audience, but also your audience is responsible for learning you in return and taking that into consideration when they are receiving you. ” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 31m50s)
“It’s more important to understand than it is to be understood.” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 32m25s)
“Specifically when dealing with narcissists, some people are committed to misunderstanding you and it’s amazing when you realize, that’s what that other person is doing. […] It’s amazing how some people are committed to misunderstanding you so they can continue to push their way or their manipulation.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08 – 33m10s)
“It’s in that moment recognizing, ok what are we not doing? Where are we not taking space? How am I not saying yes to me?.” ~Jorge (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep08- 35m40s)
“It [polyamory] has allowed me to approach people in this form of ‘how can we fit together?’………..there is a lot to be had in the romantic world of poly, but there is even more to be had in the platonic world of poly.” ~ Jorge (Polycafe.org – s01:ep08 – 36m18s)
“I really, really feel like too many things hyperfocus on the romantic and sexual aspects of poly.” ~ Jorge (Polycafe.org – s01:ep08 – 36m39s)
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