Join Danny, Valentina, and their special guest GW as they explore the difference between various relationship styles.
In this episode, we talk about relationship anarchy, hierarchical poly, and mono-poly relationship styles. We touch on deescalating and remaining friends; who would want to be a second in a hierarchical relationship; being someone’s first poly experience; cowpoke; and how one of the greatest acts of love is being able to say, “this isn’t working, but I still love you,” followed by deescalating without animosity.
Our special guest, GW or Sir Drgn, has been polyamorous for 10-ish years. He has been in the Kink/BDSM lifestyle for the same amount of time. He is an educator and loves sharing his experiences to try and help others.
Show Notes:
Valentina’s blog, The Relationship Rebel: http://www.relationship-rebel.com/
Danny’s Book, “Is now a good time to talk? How to ask for what you want and get it”: https://amzn.to/3GNWgwM
Great Quotes & Moments from Episode 04 of Poly Café :
“Sometimes coming to the agreement that you’re not fit for each other because your wants and needs don’t match. […] You could avoid so much headache if you could just talk about things beforehand.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 3m12s)
“It seems like a lot of people really struggle with being able to say, ‘hey, we’re not compatible. Why don’t we stop this before we hate each other?’ Learning to embrace, ‘it’s okay to not be compatible.’ It doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship; you just might not be able to have that relationship.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 3m25s)
“The category of ‘hell yes, or no’ where, when you’re talking to someone about something that you’d like to do or they’d like to do, if you’re not both a ‘hell yes,’ treat it as a ‘no’, and talk about something else until you find a ‘hell yes’.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 5m30s)
“Do not agree to do something with me that you don’t enjoy doing.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 6m45s)
“I learned most of what I knew about sex, by the time I was in my twenties, from the other kids in school. […] I never had ‘the birds and the bee’ talk.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 9m10s)
“[Regarding polyamorous relationship styles] Hierarchy is only one of many options. […] Most people don’t want to feel like they are less important than anybody else.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 10m30s)
“The whole point [of being polyamorous] is, we’re allowed to love who we want to love; how we want to love them.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 12m22s)
“’Poly anarchy’, to me is, every relationship that I have is free to develop into, and around, whatever it is meant to develop into.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 12m33s)
“If we start putting structures like hierarchy or monogamy [on a relationship], that relationship isn’t allowed to bud. […] ‘Limits’ and ‘structure’ are the same thing.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 13m12s)
“Every dynamic is different, and when it’s allowed to be different, it’s amazing what happens.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 14m01s)
“You made a comment about, ‘no one wants to be a second [in a hierarchical relationship]’. […] I wanted to be a ‘second’. […] I did not want to be in any kind of primary relationship. I was so burnt out on that.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 14m35s)
“I’m your first poly experience? Okay, let’s do this. I know what I’m in for. There’s going to be a lot of tears.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 17m55s)
“I’ve reached a point where, it’s just like, I don’t want to ever be someone’s first poly experience ever again.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 18m04s)
“I can’t imagine how you would agree to let the other person be monogamous and have it not turn into a giant catastrophe.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 18m10s)
“Two years later, as things were starting to fall apart, I figured out why. [She said,] ‘why can’t you just be monogamous with me?’ Because I’m polyamorous.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 18m55s)
“I think sometimes people come in with the best intentions and find that they can’t handle it [polyamory] but now they have these feelings for you so maybe if they love you big enough, hard enough, and do all the things right, you’ll change your mind and choose them.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 19m49s)
“In monogamy, you’re allowed to have meaningful relationships. You’re allowed to have best friends, right? You’re allowed to have these people who have been in your life for years and years and years, that you have deep meaningful relationships with –just like in polyamory. But what’s the difference? The one that you sleep with.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 23m00s)
“When I was in monogamy, the idea of having a best friend of the opposite sex was kind of a no-no.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 23m22s) (continued on next line)
“Yeah, and that really comes into play with your more insecure people.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 23m26s)
“When you have insecure people, it doesn’t matter what kind of relationship type it is, it’s going to cause issues. […] That’s not a ‘mono-poly’ –no that’s a people-people thing.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 24m18s)
“When you’re looking at all of the other relationship types, they all center around who you are having sex with –who you’re sleeping with. Polyamory is not about who you are having sex with, polyamory is about who you love.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 24m29s)
“There is a [type of] love on the other side of deescalating a very serious relationship and realizing that, ‘we weren’t a fit, but I want this person in my life forever.’ I think that is a type of love that I don’t think a lot of monogamous people are ever going to discover.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 25m38s)
“Polyamory definitely gives you the freedom to figure out where this person is supposed to fit in your life. There is nothing wrong with saying, ‘oh, we took it a few steps too far. Let’s back this off a little bit because we were good right here.’ ” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 26m12s)
“The one thing I’ve learned from poly is that the greatest act of love you can give somebody is to be able to let go and let them grow however they need to grow without animosity. […] Being able to be like, ‘this isn’t working but I still love you’, especially when you’re the person that still wants that relationship.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep04 – 27m30s)
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