Join Danny, Valentina and their very good friend Tynk as they explore the joys of having limitless relationships as well as the ins and outs of communicating gracefully with our poly partners.
In this episode, we talk about how relationships can blossom from friendships when we don’t place limits on what we are allowed to explore within each of our friendships. We learn a bit about how the BDSM/Kinky community intersects with the poly community when it comes to clear communication practices. It turns out everyone on this show is a recovering People Pleaser and Over-Giver. The walk we take through communication comes from the point of view of people who have been through multiple abusive relationships and have learned a lot about speaking up, validation, boundaries, and assertiveness.
Our special guest, Tynk, has been polyamorous for 20+ years and active in the Las Vegas poly and BDSM communities for 8+ years. Her and her nesting partner are actively developing “Kink & Sundry”, a series of online BDSM courses launching in 2025.
Show Notes:
Valentina’s blog, The Relationship Rebel: http://www.relationship-rebel.com/
Danny’s Book, “Is now a good time to talk? How to ask for what you want and get it”: https://amzn.to/3GNWgwM
Great Quotes & Moments from Episode 03 of Poly Café :
“My favorite thing about poly is that I don’t have to pick and choose where relationships are gonna go.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 1m:43s)
“I like to give people grace. Everyone has something going on.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 9m10s)
“We’re all a reflection of what we believe we are.” ~ Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 10m10s)
“The hardest times are when I find my best relationships” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 12m45s)
“I love that I can be as close to you as you consent to be close to me and it can ebb and flow.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 13m05s)
“I was literally conditioned to be a People Pleaser and an Over Giver” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 15m22s)
“Praise lavishly in public, criticize in private, behind doors.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 19m03s)
“Wow, I’ve never gotten so much criticism until I got into poly (laughing).” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 19m30s)
“I can’t imagine my life without the people that are currently in it, in it. And I think that’s where I define love.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 24m54s)
“Sometimes it’s not the relationship, it’s the structure we put around the relationship.” ~ Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 27:20ms)
“The idea of conversational safe words…” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 27m50s)
“My safe word is ‘timeout’. That’s the one I have in my book. Most people just get that, if you say ‘timeout’.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 29m04s)
“And you have to learn how to take responsibility without excusing the other person for their poor behavior. And that is a really hard thing to do.” ~ Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 31m:43s)
“Holding people accountable is something I never learned how to do. Being assertive –just the word assertive, as a people pleaser, the word assertive, scared the crap out of me.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 32:05s)
“That’s the way the media portrays strong women; as the bad guy.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 33m14s)
“Grace and Trust, are the two words I keep coming back to. It seems like in any relationship that is working, grace and trust are high. When a relationship is falling apart, I find that one or both of those things are low.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 35m:15s)
“I think when you do the work, and you put in the time, and you learn your lessons, it’s not even so much that you are ‘less jealous,’ it’s just that you are getting better at pinpointing your feelings and giving them better words.” ~ Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep03 – 36m38s)
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