Join Danny, Valentina and their guest Tynk and GW as they talk about the ups and downs of building poly communities.
In this episode, we talk about hosting community events, facilitating community discussion, why we do it, what to watch out for, and why you will need a thick skin if you attempt to bring people together. –but it’s not all doom and gloom! We also touch on why being a community facilitator, –and dare we say, “leader”, can also be very rewarding.
Our special guest, Tynk and GW, are actively developing “Kink & Sundry”, a series of online BDSM courses launching in 2025. Tynk has been polyamorous for 20+ years and active in the Las Vegas poly and BDSM communities for 8+ years. GW (or Sir Drgn) has been polyamorous for 10-ish years. He has been in the Kink/BDSM lifestyle for the same amount of time.
Show Notes:
Valentina’s blog, The Relationship Rebel: http://www.relationship-rebel.com/
Danny’s book, “Is now a good time to talk? How to ask for what you want and get it”: https://amzn.to/3GNWgwM
Note: the “Las Vegas Poly Discussion Group” is a private Facebook group. Try searching Facebook for “Poly” or “Polyamorous” groups and events in your area. –Or create your own event to get a community started in your area.
Tynk & GW’s BDSM 101 is closed, no links to share.
The KinkyPoly.com leather club interview mentioned: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFhuO8d89LI
Fetlife, as mentioned in the podcast, is an adult kink lifestyle site. We do not endorse or condemn this site. You are at liberty to decide for yourself. However, we would like to warn our listeners to exercise caution on this site. Be mindful of all people and interactions. Thoroughly investigate and vet all people and interactions through this site, both online and in person.
GW and Tynk’s next project, Kink and Sundry, will be out in 2025. No links to share today.
Great Quotes & Moments from Episode 05 of Poly Café :
“Looking for the poly community in their town but can’t find it. Sometimes if you can’t find something, the best thing to do is just create it.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 3m30s)
“I can help my community by being more of a facilitator, and more of an assistant to those people that are facilitating, and less of just a spectator and a participant.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 6m48s)
“Sometimes you just gotta to take the lessons you’ve learned and just try the next thing.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 7m28s)
“What a lot of people don’t realize is, even though we do these things [(facilitate community)], it relies on the people who are participating. Whether it goes good or bad is largely going to be because of how the community receives it, and takes it, and what they do with it.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 8m17s)
“It’s difficult to be the ‘leader’ […] and as much as I don’t like calling myself that, the reality is, if someone doesn’t take charge, it really is like a chicken house without a rooster.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 11m38s)
“The more I put myself out there in the community, the more I stand up, and stand in the spotlight, the more I feel like I have a giant kick me sign on my back.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 12m15s)
“We talked about creating a ‘kink resume’ class because…” “–it makes it a lot easier for people to vet you.” ~Tynk & GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 14m23s)
“One of the things that I love that he did with his kink resume was, he put on there a space for, ‘mistake I’ve made and what I’ve learned’.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 14m47s)
“Where one of the mistakes was is I thought that because I was so transparent that it would lessen the amount of things people could say about me, but it actually backfired. […] I was too naive to realize that there would be people who would collect information about you.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 15m11s)
“You’ve got people that collect infractions, and they don’t stack those infractions up against all the good things you’re doing.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 15m47s)
“[When facilitating a polyamorous discussion group] Of course you’re going to know all my mistakes because I am sharing all my mistakes because we’re here to talk about our mistakes and what we learn from them. That is only 25% of who I am.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 16m38s)
“[Being a community facilitator] People get this false sense of intimacy with you, but it’s just so skewed.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 16m58s)
“Your emergency does not constitute my emergency.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 18m03s)
“Bratting. I’m a ‘brat’ in the kink community. […] I feel like you can not brat at somebody unless they have given you permission to do so.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 20m00s)
“[She] didn’t like to hear the hard truths. She was in an abusive family dynamic and she didn’t like to be told that it wasn’t going to change unless she change it.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 21m14s)
“[When BDSM101 was imploding] He was choosing me over everything we had worked for, for a year. […] and it just felt like it was all going down the drain. I think that’s the darkest time we had in our relationship –the worst. And it all revolved around how leading this community to disaster almost killed our relationship.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 24m04s)
“for me personally, I have learned very quickly that I had a thin skin and if I don’t do something about it, I can’t continue to try to be in this space.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 25m33s)
“If you’re thinking about maybe getting into a leadership role, a facilitator role; check your skin. Either be ready to grow a thick skin real quick or already have it.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 25m45s)
“It’s kind of a combo of ‘thicken up your skin’, absolutely, but also, ‘stay humble and keep your ego in check’.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 25m58s)
“I’ve seen people in various circles who had a thick skin, so thick that they were not hearing any feedback at all.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 26m37s)
“It’s the people that are actually trying to tear you down that are always the loudest.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 27m40s)
“The people who know the least are always the loudest.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 27m45s)
“I get the most criticism about [Poly] Discussion Group from people who have never set a toe in discussion group.” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 27m50s)
“I actually invite criticism. At the end of the year we have a wrap up and I ask, ‘what are the things you liked?’, ‘what are the things you don’t like?”, and ‘what are the things you’d like to see done differently?’ ” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 28m00s)
“It is so hard to get anyone to show up to anything. […] My whole philosophy is, I’m going to go do the thing that I love, that I want to do, and I’m going to invite everybody and if nobody shows up, at least I’m doing the thing I love to do.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 29m25s)
“One of the things I’ve noticed is, some of the best workshops, best events, have incredible ice-breakers that nobody even sees.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 30m53s)
“Whenever the negativity starts to build up, I just remind myself that I’m not here for them. I’m here for that new person who showed up to [Poly] Discussion Group, they’ve been poly for three days –bless them, that’s what I’m here for. That’s what keeps me going. If not me, then who?” ~Valentina (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 33m08s)
“I, personally, try to be everything I wish I had had five years ago.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 33m28s)
“Getting up and teaching, getting up and facilitating, doing all these things, right? I usually end up learning more than what I’m teaching.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 33m59s)
“I feel like I have a responsibility to the next generation.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 34m26s)
“If you are going to try and lead something, you need to find people you can partner with and delegate to without ruining those relationships or putting those relationships at risk.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 36m46s)
“If you’re going to jump into a leadership role, you need to make sure that there is a need for that [event] where you are.” ~Tynk (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – ms)
“Consistency is going to be your key. You can’t be in an area that’s never had anything like this going on, put out one event one time and because nobody shows up you say, ‘oh well, it didn’t work.’ No. It needs to be at a set time, every time, for a year.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 38m56s)
“Integrity is a thing whether you like somebody or not.” ~GW (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 41m13s)
“[my partner] said, ‘everything’s an experiment and if it is an experiment, you can never fail’.” ~Danny (PolyCafe.org – s01:ep05 – 42m51s)
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